If Only.

If only is one of those wonderful terrible phrases, isn’t it? It’s one of those things that opens up the possibilities of what you could do if only. That’s a wonderful thought. It allows boys to touch the moon if only they could become astronauts. It allows girls to be models if only they would grow into six foot tall, beautiful amazons. If only.

But the secret to if only, after you’re done dreaming, is that it really is if only. It’s a wonderfully expansive yet limiting phrase. Expansive in thoughts and dreams and clouds and all those things that you can’t ever really grasp, just look at and marvel. You can look at an elephant shaped cloud and it doesn’t make it any more of an elephant than it makes me the leader of a ringed circus.

If only. But if only gets you nowhere because you’re saying it while sitting on a hill, fingers intertwined with blades of grass, neck craned painfully upward at the places you could only be if only you were a bird. Well, I’m no bird. I’m a girl and I’ll only look eye level at a nest or the top of a tree from my bedroom window.

If only. Yes it’s a terrible wonderful phrase. It will get me nowhere and leave me here, watching the clouds until cold but gentle drops of rain draw goosebumps on my bony arms and nudge me inside. I think I’ll never say it again, such a vile thing for sending me inside. Maybe after I go in I won’t say it. Yes just after. Because as much as it leaves me here in body, sometimes it lets me stretch for that blue and white elephant in spirit.

If only things could go on like that forever. If only the rain would never come and that cloud would stay with me, sharing an otherwise dull and calm afternoon. It gives me a false hope but a hope nonetheless. If only.

My inspiration on you, as a friend.

For some people that feel like they aren’t worth living, and feel like their lives don’t touch others hearts so. They are wrong. Because, every person in this universe is a treasure, you are all sure that you have come a long way in this world. Sometimes the heart is touched by everything you do, and everything little can be a strong moment in someone’s life. So, next time when you think, that your life isn’t worth living stop and think, what can I do to make my life easier? How do I go on? Or how do I live without that support from someone close to my heart. With every step stop and think who loves you. Don’t feel down, contact a loved one, and say I am loved by someone like you.

Every thought inspires others, sometimes the soul and heart can play a trick on you, and the true soul mate won’t be the one who will judge you, won’t ever make cruel jokes about you. He won’t hit you, he won’t hurt you, he will love you after all the fights you encounter together. In this heart ache he will love you the way you were born on this planet; he will not change you. For the true thought the main idea is true to the mind, listen to your heart, and don’t listen to all those who tell you he/she isn’t good enough for you. Just listen to your ideas and thoughts on that lucky person that you just happen to have fallen in love with.

Friendship is unique, most of the time, you think of it like a puzzle. The pieces go together perfect, the time seems right to have them over and hang out, late at night you talk all about someone you like, or but what happens if your best friend is the opposite gender? You are close you lean you heads on each others shoulder, or you giggle about some things that you are doing. You tease him about his new girlfriend, and he does the same with you. If you fall in love with him, it is another story in the true happiness of friendship, the kind that will last a lifetime truly embraces that future spark. With the one person you love.

For a lifetime of happiness, come the obstacles of the true endeavor on what the heart’s journey is all about.

Hell In Paradise.

I’m an angel, but my pain can easily be demonic. Basic vocabulary had never been at best usage by the likes of me. So, you judge. I live in a place that people usually call Paradise. It’s an approximate definition really, doesn’t say anything to give you an idea what it’s like. It’s very bright. Light is everywhere, and sometimes it hurts my eyes so that I wish I had sunglasses or any other type of protection. I’m all the time alone, because angels aren’t supposed to interact amongst themselves. It’s the rule I hate the most. Loneliness is unsupportable to me, it’s like being in hell, although I’m not there. What’s the point? What’s the point of being good if I suffer so much?

I wish for many things. Just to talk to someone for starters. Is it demonic to wish for company? You tell me. Is it demonic to want to love and be loved back? Is it demonic to suffer when you’re alone? I guess so. This is what I was repeated for years. I must leave Paradise then. I must find my way in the world, wherever it would be, wherever I’ll end up after all. I want to be free. I don’t want to be blinded by light anymore. A little darkness from time to time couldn’t hurt..